Finding peace in loosing control (my birth story)

I so enjoyed having a doula through my pregnancy and birth. I feel like had it not been for that the emotional side of my labor and delivery would have been very different. It has been six weeks since I had my daughter and I’m just getting back to normal self and feeling more at peace about how things sometimes cant be in our control. Im ready to share because I know I am not alone. imagine working training, studying or practicing so hard for your big moment and you feel so confident but you fail miserably. I went through moments were I still wanted to go back in time, birth my baby in my little nest, in the safety of my own home. I didn’t want anyone, poking, prodding and gawking at me with their standardized care,  systems ad intervention. In the moment even though my mind believed I was strong and I could birth with ease, my body did something else.

My labor start at 3:23 am but after just 8 hours of labor I was exhausted and I felt like being in the hospital was my downfall. Before I went to the hospital my doula came to my house, I drank water and ate spoonfuls of honey and fruit. I fell asleep in my bathtub as my 4 year old poured water on my back. I was so relaxed even though my surges were becoming more intense. I moaned deep within myself and swayed from room to room putting all my weight on my fiancé or doula. It was hard but it was doable, I was doing it! Then we left and once there, I couldn’t freely move as much as I needed. They were constantly monitoring the baby so I couldn’t use the shower…had two monitors on my stomach. I was glad when my sister and mom came came they also helped me sway, stretch, breath, moan and try to move through each wave. They massaged my hips, fanned my face, held me up, snuck me sips of water and gatorade. We rocked on the birth ball, laid down, got up and went as far as the cords and tubes would let me. Time seemed to have stopped, my fiances kisses and encoragment became a blur. I remember the nurses trying say “I wasn’t  progressing as they would like”. They were going to try and force my water to break and I said no. A few minutes later my water broke on its own, but after the third time of being checked to see how far along I was, apparently I was swelling and going backwards and had lost 2 centimeters. I don’t know what time it was at that point but hearing that made me feel the most discouraged through each surge. I felt like less of a women, I felt so incapable to allow my body to do what it needed. I felt failure, disappointment and fear. I wanted an epidural finally. I broke down, but even then my hope was to still have a vaginal birth. Than complications arose and my baby’s heart rate dropped. So it was off to a c-section I went. I had a panic attack. I cried. I couldn’t breath, I got chills, I got an intense headache, I itched…and all the labor support from my doula and family seemed in vain, like I had wasted hours and hours and didn’t even give myself a chance and couldn’t stand up for myself and say no, I need time, I want time…

The days that followed were bitter sweet. I was so glad to hold my baby immediately and go back home after my 3 day stay. i loved seeing my little baby and how excited my oldest was that she was here. Then sometimes I had tears of frustration with myself,my healing process, replaying my birth experience and my feelings about everything really. The after pain of surgery seemed worse than labor, walking, moving, sitting up and going to the bathroom were all hard for me to do. I had to do my best and not worry my little Autumn. She was so aware of my moods and feelings and at 4 years old I didn’t want her worrying. It was my job to take care of her. Not the other way around. I remember one night tearfully calling my dad and just pouring out my heart ache on the phone. He patiently listened and surprising understood. so I let it go, what I was feeling, it was like i had been trying to grasp water and hold back the sea…and I felt better and with the passing days and slowly things seemed to heal on their own.

I learned how losing the illusion of control and letting go was what I also needed to do in my life, with my memories and with both my births. I have two beautiful daughters and that’s all that matters.

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